Judgment vs. Condemnation

We choose friends, we discipline our children, we decide on a career. Each of these eliminates other choices we could make. Each of us has to make judgments. We do it all the time, every day of our lives. I grew up under the tutelage of two parents (fortunately) and have raised three children of my own. As my parents made mistakes, so did I. I tried to improve on their efforts, but made plenty mistakes of my own. Someone once said that each parent damages their own children. Since we as people are imperfect, I don’t doubt that. But there is a difference between sincere judgment and condemnation.

Like most, I have worked in a number of environments and have been evaluated a number of times. Occasionally, I have been judged as the be all end all employee, but most often I have been considered as one of the group who does well and, at times, as the person my superior would most like to transfer out. My performance never changed much, but the way I was perceived was dependent on the point of view of my superior.

Like most, I have had superiors who made me feel like an ant. I have been attacked in staff meetings by individuals who wanted to embarrass and condemn. I once worked for a principal who would go into the classroom and openly criticize teachers in front of students. I was not exempt from his rants. As one is confronted by a parent when growing up, or a superior in the workplace, how one is judged or condemned says a lot about who does the judging.

I have been approached in private, with respect, about how I could improve my performance. This leaves room for growth.

As we all make judgments, it is important that the recipients of the judgment be criticized and not condemned. Condemnation indicates that the person is valueless and has no viable future. It says to another that they have no worth and cannot redeem past deficiencies nor improve.

Judgment and criticism, painful though they may be, leave room for progress. No one deserves to be condemned. A friend of mine is in prison. One might say he has been condemned, but he has used his incarcerated experience to grow, improve and set goals. Even in prison, he has had that opportunity. Whether he achieves or not remains to be seen, but his future can be bright. Condemnation takes away all hope of value and improvement.

It is important to give people encouragement to do better. It is the proverbial breath of fresh air. It preserves relationships and gives the great gift of hope.

A Movie Review

Yesterday, two of my granddaughters and I went to see "Hugo." We watched in 3-D and it was visually stunning, perhaps more so than any movie since "Lawrence of Arabia." Unlike "Lawrence," it was an interior movie and instead of shooting images at the audience, "Hugo" draws the audience into each scene. The attention to detail and the multiple characters were all entertaining.

The story itself was average kids fare with a message about film preservation, that was too long, thrown in. The movie was too long. Yet, it was like a beautiful painting I could view again and again. The ancient films of Georges Méliès, a character in "Hugo," are featured. You have seen some of them before and the reshowing of these is a treasure. I think anyone who likes movies, books, history, art, French cafe music or mechanical things would enjoy "Hugo." I advise you see it on the big screen in 3-D while you still can. It is an artistic gift.

The Case for Christmas Eve

It has been a long standing disagreement in my family whether Christmas gifts should be opened on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. This has given rise to emotions and near contention which are unusual for us. Respecting the fact that there are many reasons for doing things both ways, I will make the case for Christmas Eve then, in all fairness, the case for Christmas morning. After that, you decide.

Note: These have been adjusted to reflect a variety of tastes and beliefs. Not all will apply to all families or individuals.

The Case for Christmas Eve:
1. You don't have to wait any longer.
2. You sleep better not anticipating what may or may not be received for Christmas. If your spouse is really upset, the swelling should go down by Christmas morning.
3. You sleep better as you know whether your gifts have or have not been well received.
4. Christmas present opening will not interfere with church services. If one is a Catholic and opens on Christmas Eve, you should be finished well before midnight mass.
5. You won't have small children bouncing on your tummy at 5 AM Christmas morning asking you to get up to open presents.
6. If you have anything electronic that needs over night charging, it will be ready on Christmas morning.
7. If any one is mad at you over what you gave or didn't give them, they should be calmed down by Christmas morning (see #2).
8. If you are returning a gift, you will have all night and all the next day to plot your strategy and develop excuses.
9. There will be no arguments over whether you open presents or eat breakfast first.
10. You don't have to watch the lousy bowl game they put on on Christmas Eve.
11, You can watch one of the great movies ever made, "A Christmas Story," without interruption all day on Christmas Day.
12. You can listen to Christmas music for one last day in 11 months instead of opening presents.
13. (Male only) You have time to watch all those John Wayne war movies you recorded on Veterans Day.
14. (Redneck only) You can go shooting with the AK-47 your wife gave you.
15. (Male only) You have time to go four wheeling with your new Jeep Rubicon, 4in. lift kit, Warn winch, Mickey Thompson tires, CB Radio, iPod dock, etc.
16. Presents which are unwrapped are much less likely to be taken by burglars who may break in overnight.

The reasons for opening presents on Christmas morning:
1. You've been wimped into submission by the rest of your family who have no respect for logical thinking (see 1-16 above) nor give deference to the elderly.
2. IT DOESN'T MATTER! I just love being with them!!! Merry Christmas to all!

Note: Unlike most posts, this has not been edited by my wife. I think you can figure it out.

Merry Christmas

If we missed you, this is the latest on us and our family:

                                         Merry Christmas

You may have noticed that you may not have received a Christmas letter from us last year. For those who haven’t heard, I will recount our activities of the last year and a half.

For some time, Brenda has suffered from acute, chronic scoliosis. It was bad enough that she lost 3 1/2 inches in height and she was told that her heart and lung function was being compromised. We went to Barrow’s Neurological Center in Phoenix for what was called a complex spinal fusion. Brenda had two surgeries in one week, the second on September, 2, 2010. We were warned about possible complications of the surgery. Brenda had all the complications mentioned except one. She escaped death, just barely. For the three days after the surgery, I thought she was gone. For a week, she was kept alive by 14 I.V. drips. Fifteen months later, the result is that Brenda is in constant pain and has been wheelchair bound with occasional sojourns in a specialized walker. She has moved ahead like a trooper, but, as we have discovered, pain and depression are constant companions.

We still look on the bright side of life (much of the time). We enjoy the small things that we often over looked. I am still trying to get Brenda to slow down. She is not, however, proven by the fact that she fell and broke her hip on October 25th of this year. She was trying a pirouette while reaching into the refrigerator and didn’t finish. It has put a halt to her attempts at ballet. After yet another surgery, she is healing well.

I have honed my homemaking skills, which were sadly lacking. I have learned that laundry piles up, the dishes are never done, they just keep coming back and dust is the protective covering for everything we own. Fortunately, I’ve never minded scrubbing toilets. I have felt my age this year. Helping Brenda has been exhausting at times, but is a joy. If you ever want to grow close as a couple, having one needing extra help will do it. I’ve gone from counseling, to being a Bishop, to being Brenda’s caregiver. Each has been fulfilling in its own way, but I take more joy from helping Brenda than anything else I’ve done. Like I tell her, she’s taken care of the kids and me for many years.

In May, our daughter, Karen, separated from her husband. Karen and her daughter, four year old Grace, have moved in with us. They have been a great blessing to us. One night, we were reading from the “Book of Mormon” (the actual book, not the musical) and Grace said, “I want to read.” She took the book, realized she couldn’t read and then, gazing at the words said, “Moroni went into the desert, they had a fight, then they played baseball.” She is fun.

Jen and Brian are cruising along, literally. The took their family on a trip back East last summer. They had such a good time, they’ll go back this summer and finish up on what they missed.

Rod, Steph and the kids are likewise doing very well. They have moved from Holbrook back to Mesa. It is good to have them close. Steph is working with students in small groups at their kids school and Rod has just accepted a job as a policy advisor for the Arizona State Senate.

In the last year and a half, we have been supported, sustained and inspired by our Heavenly Father. This has come in the form of spiritual comfort and help manifest to a large degree by the assistance of family and friends. Our children and grandchildren have done so much so often that it would be impossible to single out a single event as more significant than another. My sister, Margo, has been an angel with two visits and constant concern. Brenda’s brother, Ken, has made many visits and elicited much sympathy on our behalf.  The recent visit by Brenda’s sister, Jan, gave us both a lift. Hearing Jan read to Brenda while Brenda was in pain put a tear in my eye. In November, I was able to visit Margo and while in California saw Wayne and Dennis Johnson, Jim and Bea Alexander and Randy and Susan Steele. The visit  a few days later of my high school friend, Evonne Bridenstine Bolton, and her Arizona family, was warm and wonderful. 

Traditionally, in our minds, we have a picture of winged angels coming from heaven to minister to us. In reality, the angels God sends are our children, grandchildren, sisters, brother and friends. Thanks to all and even to those who have just prayed or sent good thoughts in our direction.

May you find joy in your lives, hopefully not by breaking hips or anything else, and have a great 2012.

Rocky & Brenda

Stardust

Every so often, I start thing about the bests in this world.  What was the best book I've ever read, the best movie,  the best meal, etc., etc.? When it comes to the best song ever written, there is no contest. It is "Stardust" as sung by Nat King Cole, music by Hoagy Carmichael,  lyrics by Mitchell Parish. It is perfection. I never hear this song without  being touched by it. "Stardust" was my Dad's favorite. Once while visiting my daughter, Jennifer,  shortly after Dad died, I got in my car to drive away.  I was wondering how Dad was and if he was alright in whatever the next life  brought to him. I turned on the radio and "Stardust," by Nat King Cole  started just as I switched the radio button to on.  After listening, I had the message: Dad was just fine. "Stardust" has been around for a long time. It was written in 1927.  The Nat King Cole version, a triumph not only of music but also of arrangement,  was a 1950's endeavor. It has never been equalled. If you are purely a fan of  rock and roll or acid rock, you probably won't like it. But if you are like me,  a romantic at heart with love of things quiet, smooth and a little sad,  you'll love "Stardust." The lyrics don't make a lot of sense, but that's the point.  One who has just lost love (haven't we all?) doesn't make a lot of sense either.  It is the mood the song communicates that matters. And what a mood! You can hear the Nat King Cole version on You Tube. Just type in "Stardust" and  Nat King Cole. You'll find several visuals to go with it. You can listen to  Frank Sinatra's or Hoagy Carmichael's versions,  but genius is in the Nat King Cole version. I include the lyrics below,  but you haven't heard "Stardust" until you hear Mr. Cole sing it! Stardust And now the purple dusk of twilight time Steals across the meadows of my heart High up in the sky the little stars climb Always reminding me that we're apart You wander down the lane and far away Leaving me a song that will not die Love is now the stardust of yesterday The music of the years gone by Sometimes I wonder why I spend The lonely night dreaming of a song The melody haunts my reverie And I am once again with you When our love was new And each kiss an inspiration But that was long ago Now my consolation Is in the stardust of a song Beside a garden wall When stars are bright You are in my arms The nightingale tells his fairy tale A paradise where roses bloom Though I dream in vain In my heart it will remain My stardust melody The memory of loves refrain.

The Thingy (a work of total fiction :)

As we were leaving the house this afternoon, I told my wife, "I need to fix the thingy by the door." She protested, "What (pause) 'thingy?'" I told her that I needed to fix the bump where she goes out the door so it is not hard on her back when she drives over it with her scooter (please remember she is not walking yet). She informed me that the use of the word "thingy" was not terribly descriptive. I told her if she had considered the context in which I spoke, she logically could have figured out what I meant and there would be no need for further explanation on my part. She gave me examples of several "contexts" I might have intended. She made sense. She's very bright. She always makes sense.

To interrupt the flow of this story, there are two types of successful marriages. The first is the complimentary type. In my experience, these are quite rare. A complimentary couple will say, "We see the world exactly the same way" or "We never disagree." These always seemed to be ideal, heavenly marriages. Think what it would be like to have a spouse say, "Let's eat out tonight," and the other say, "That's exactly what I was thinking!" The husband says, "We need a new yellow truck with a 583 hemi, dual quads, five wheel drive, compound axle, extra long bed, raised, McIntosh custom sound with a gun rack." She says, "That sounds great." She says "We need to remodel the kitchen and take out a 4th mortgage on the house," and he says, "It's about time." "While we're at it," she says, "Let's go to Bora-Bora for our 20th anniversary." He tells her he always wanted to go to Bora-Bora.

The second type of marriage is the non-complimentary, contrasting or typical marriage*. In this marriage, the couples vie for supremacy, respecting each other, but seeing the world very differently.

These marriages make the world go around. It is hard to imagine any growth in a complimentary marriage and they tend to carry a lot of debt. In the contrasting marriage, couples grow, learn to see another person's point of view and perfect the art of compromise. The contrasting marriage is harder, but pays more dividends.

Other types of marriages also exist: capitulation, nonaggression pacts, shuttle diplomacy, mutually assured destruction and nuclear war, to name just a few. For our purposes, it is not necessary to explore these.

Now, to finish the story, after some discussion, which approached a border skirmish, when my wife finally understood the context in which I was speaking, she said, "Oh, I thought you meant that little do-dad that keeps the door open."


*See "The War Between the Men and the Women" by James Thurber

Book Review: The Good Old Boys by Elmer Kelton

"The Good Old Boys" is about Hewey Calloway, a drifting cowboy and his horse Biscuit. Elmer Kelton has the type nailed down. Responsibility and good judgement are not Hewey's strong suits, but honesty and sincerity are.

Hewey, who doesn't carry a gun because it might lead to violence, wanders back to his brother's hard scrabble ranch in West Texas after being gone for two years. During that time, no one in the family knew where Hewey was, if he was dead or alive. When Hewey arrives, they are relieved to see him, but not particularly glad. Things go down hill and up hill from there. As Hewey's misadventures unfold, the reader meets Snort Yarnell, Boy Rasmussen and a host of other characters. Readers attracted to "characters" will meet some of fiction's best. I grew up around many characters and have always loved the humanity of the most reprobate of individuals. Each person has a certain dignity although it can hard to find.

Hewey eventually meets Spring Renfro, the local school marm. Sparks fly between them and carry the better part of the plot until the end of the book. The only unrealistic aspect of the book may be what Spring sees in Hewey, but then I don't know what most women see in most men. We are a pitiful lot.

There is a humor that exists among cowboys. "The Good Old Boys" is full of this cowboy humor. It also touches the heart. For all of his weakness, Hewey is a good man. He is reminiscent of Augustus McRae from "Lonesome Dove," or a Steinbeck character from "Cannery Row." "The Good Old Boys" belongs with those books and perhaps exceeds them. It is one of the best works of fiction to come out of the 20th century. Elmer Kelton has written "When the Cowboys Quit," and "The Time It Never Rained." They are excellent books. Kelton has narrow following now, but will one day be recognized as one of the fine writers of his time.